When I was considering a divorce around 1985-87, I saw a PSA filler in the Houston Post from deep inside the paper. It was entitled something like, “How You Can Tell You’re In An Abusive Relationship.” I clipped it out and and kept it in my truck for months, It was maybe a year or more before I called the included phone number.

As I recall, it said, “If you can answer YES to 3 or more of the statements on this list of 10, you may be in an abusive relationship.”  I answered YES to 7.

Dr. Fox’s video is under 11 minutes, and he makes the point that an abuser rarely abuses all the time. I came to understand that in my first marriage, and during my divorce. I began to explain it like this: “An abuser is not someone who’s nice but is occasionally abusive. An abuser is someone who’s abusive but is occasionally nice.”

The difference is that the “nice” behavior is meant to confuse you and tie you to the person, because constant abuse makes decisions to leave much easier.

In my opinion, it’s also important to understand that the abuser is not necessarily making any of these tactical choices — to abuse or to be nice, or how and when to abuse or be nice — on a conscious level. These are emotional choices and actions that are instinctive for them. If you accuse an abuser of abusing you, they’ll deny it and turn the blame back on you. (See Dr. Fox’s video at about the 4m mark.)

This behavior is sometimes called “GASLIGHTING”. The expression comes from the movie, “Gaslight (1944)”, in which a husband tries to drive his wife insane by making her doubt the realities that her own senses are telling her.

Whether it’s a list of 5 or 7 or 10 signs of abuse, you don’t have to see all of them in a relationship for that relationship to be considered abusive.

Dr. Fox’s video is terrific. It speaks to my experience in my first marriage, so I recognize all of it.

Especially pay attention to the segment near the end when Dr. Fox discusses finding yourself again. You may have subtly changed over time to try to accommodate your abuser. It takes time after escaping an abusive relationship to remember who you really are: What you like and don’t, what you enjoy doing and don’t, places and people you want to see or don’t, etc.

After my divorce, I came to understand that the expression about trying to find oneself isn’t just New Age hippie talk. It’s a real thing. And it took me at least 2-3 years after my divorce to begin to remember and rebuild who I was.

I’ll bring this to a close by adding an expression I created about a year into my pre-divorce process: “Good advice is easy to give but hard to take.”

In other words, the people around you who know you and care about you may see the need, and even the inevitability, of a divorce (or leaving any abusive relationship) before you can accept it. It’s like you have to hit bottom the way an addict needs to hit bottom. An addict can hear over and over for years that they need to get sober before they hit their personal bottom and realize that they not only need to get sober. They need to do it for themselves!

Relationships can be addictive in that sense. Each person in an abusive relationship needs to hit their own bottom before they’re willing to really hear that advice and act on it for themselves.

And maybe your relationship — your friend, lover, family member — isn’t actually “abusive” in the sense described above. Maybe it’s a relationship just stressful, or unsupportive, or “toxic”.

Nonetheless, most or all of the above probably applies.

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Below are some of the resources and lists I foung.

SITES AND RESOURCES

What are 10 indicators of emotional abuse? AI Overview

Emotional abuse involves non-physical behaviors that aim to frighten, humiliate, isolate, or control a person. Ten key indicators include: 

Healthline

1. Constant Criticism and Belittling: Regular insults, name-calling, or harsh remarks disguised as “jokes” or “constructive feedback” to erode your self-esteem. TALKSPACE
2. Isolation from Loved Ones: Actively discouraging or preventing you from seeing family and friends to make you completely dependent on them. TALKSPACE
3. Walking on Eggshells: Living in constant fear, tension, and anxiety about triggering your partner’s unpredictable moods or anger. TALKSPACE
4. Gaslighting and Manipulation: Denying events happened, twisting reality, or making you question your own memory, sanity, or judgment. WWW.COASTALCOUNSELINGGROUP.COM
5. Shifting Blame and Refusing Accountability: Refusing to take responsibility for their actions and constantly accusing you of causing their problems. TALKSPACE
6. Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Accusing you of infidelity, tracking your movements, or demanding to know who you are with at all times. TALKSPACE
7. Controlling Decisions and Finances: Dictating your choices, monitoring your communications, or restricting your access to money to limit your independence. TALKSPACE
8. Public or Private Humiliation: Insulting or embarrassing you in front of others, or dismissing your opinions and accomplishments. YouTube·Dr. Daniel Fox [10m 49s] ç THIS IS A GOOD VIDEO
9. The Silent Treatment or Withholding Affection: Using withdrawal, stonewalling, or emotional neglect as a punishment for stepping out of line. FREEVA
10. Intimidation and Threats: Using implied violence, angry rages, or threats of abandonment to force compliance. WOMENSLAW.ORG

 For more detailed information on warning signs, you can review resources provided by organizations like Talkspace or WomensLaw.org. 

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What are 7 signs of emotional abuse? AI Overview

Emotional abuse involves a pattern of non-physical behaviors aimed at controlling, intimidating, devaluing, or isolating another person.

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Here are 7 common signs of emotional abuse recognized by mental health and counseling sources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1. Constant criticism and belittling: The person constantly puts you down, makes fun of you, insults your intelligence or appearance, or acts like nothing you do is ever good enough. Calm
2. Gaslighting and denial of reality: They twist facts, deny things they previously said, or insist you are “too sensitive,” making you doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity. www.jacksonconsultingsllc.com
3. Isolation from loved ones: They try to cut you off from family and friends, monitor or restrict who you talk to, or guilt-trip you for spending time with others so you become completely dependent on them.
4. Shifting blame: They refuse to take accountability for their actions and convince you that their abusive or hurtful behavior is actually your fault (“Look what you made me do”). VM Family Law
5. Walking on eggshells and intimidation: You feel a constant state of fear, anxiety, or hypervigilance, hesitating to speak up or make decisions because you are afraid of their unpredictable anger, silent rage, or emotional outbursts. Lifeologie Counseling
6. Humiliation disguised as humor: They make cruel or degrading remarks and then dismiss your reaction by claiming, “It’s just a joke” or “You can’t take a joke”. SELF Magazine
7. Extreme jealousy and monitoring: They exhibit possessive behavior, demand your phone passwords, track your location, or accuse you of cheating without any cause. Freeva

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional or domestic abuse, free and confidential support is available 24/7 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 or texting “START” to 88788.  Business Insider